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The One Where Broncobama Talks FOREVER

February 13, 2013

State of the Union 2013 Recap PART I

I am going to recrap recap this as I watch it. This will prevent me from having to watch first and then try to remember all the glorious details…so….expect a “hold on” and a “pause” here and there in case I need to take a throw up break or something.

It’s not starting out well…I totally missed the grand entrance….grrrr….I HATE that. That’s one of the best parts every year. BroncoBama comes in with his posse, which I refer to as the Parade of the Communists, and the crowd goes wild. Grown men, who normally are addressed as “The Honorable”, literally climb on top of each other to touch the President. It’s like he’s Justin Beiber (if JB were a little more girly) and the bess-ed Congressmen are lustful tweens.

But, the best…the absolute best in the pregame show is always TX Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee and her crown weave. For those of you who don’t know, her crown weave is basically like a built in tiara. It’s pretty awesome.

You know who else needs a crown weave? Al Sharpton.

Seriously, Queen Sheila needs to hook him up. He and that dry perm be everywhere…

Back to the Congresswoman. She’s always such a delight to watch because she really thinks the President came there just see her. She is always just so giddy…jumping around like something itches…and you know…you KNOW…Obama is like “crap crap crap crap” through his clenched teeth smile as he approaches her…

But, seeing as how I missed the whole Parade of the Communists tonight, I have to play a pretend version in my head. So I’ll just recap the highlights of my version of his entrance.  And I know what you’re thinking….just get on with it…no one cares about the entrance…seriously, who gives a crap?

Well, I do, ok? I give a crap.

It’s always the highlight of the speech for me…unless someone yells “you lie”…and in that case, it is PAR-TAY TIME. Ahhhhh…the good ole days.

So, humor me…

Back to the show.

Well, looky there… Sen. Lindsay Graham just gave Obama a football buttsmack and I’m pretty sure he said, with a wink of course… “Go get em, champ!”

And the meet-up with Queen Sheila went as usual…and there was added bonus was when she and Obama did the hip bump and he told her “Go on girl!” while snapping his fingers.

Moving along.

Ok, first…the green ribbons.

Never let a good crisis go to waste and NEVER underestimate the Democrats and their ability to try to fool the American people…which…judging by the last election, ain’t that hard.

The green ribbons are in honor of the Sandy Hook Victims… Oh, so let’s see…I know what you’re thinking…why aren’t ALL the Congressmen/women wearing one? Seems that…uh… yep…only the Democrats are wearing them…

Well, that can only mean one thing:

REPUBLICANS HATE CHILDREN AND LOVE MURDERERS.

That is the only explanation…unless…and I have it on good authority, the Democrats didn’t even TELL the Republicans about the ribbons and only handed them out to Democrats. Those sly suckers…they almost had me there for a minute…but it IS totally believable that Republicans hate children. They LOVE guns and…duh…if you love guns, you MUST hate children, right?

BEHOLD!

The time has come….and after 30 minutes of applause and worship, Obama speaks.  And in true form, he begins with a lie by quoting JFK.

WARNING:  If you EVER attempt to quote a liberal, there is a 100% chance, you’ll be repeating a lie.

So JFK said something like “According to the Constitution, we should be partners for progress and not rivals for power”

Yea, except the constitution NEVER champions “progress”..or at least not the liberal definition of the word, which means “promoting socialist policies”….it does however mention POWER…and actually encourages DIFFERENT ideas and a power struggle. 

But…. I guess Professor Skeeter missed that day in 4th grade when they taught separation of powers and checks and balances in the Constitution.  Or maybe the Muslim school he attended didn’t bother with teaching the whole “Constitution nonsense”…

But, he might be on to something…you know what other nations have leaders who don’t have “rivals in power”?  China. Cuba. North Korea.

China… Communist?  CHECK.

Cuba… Communist?  CHECK.

North Korea… Communist?  CHECK.

But, nevermind that kiddos…because according to the President there is MUCH PROGRESS TO REPORT. 

-troops are coming home

-businesses have created like 6 million new jobs

-people with no income are able to afford houses again

-the government takeover of the healthcare system is almost complete

-Utopia is right around the corner…

-oh and also…unicorns are still farting skittles

I totally expected him to blurt out “IT’S ALL GOOD…LIFE IS GOOD, YO!”

And then I expected, in celebration of North Korea, that Obama would point to an unseen person in the risers and say “hit it now”,  queuing the music… and then Boehner to jump up and start doing the Gangnam Style horse galloping behind him.

But much to my disappointment, it didn’t happen.

And this is boring…

I mean really, if Biden doesn’t start picking his nose soon or something, I’m not sure I can hang…

Wait…my ears just perked up. He mentioned we need to grow the middle class. OK, this is getting out of my league here because now he’s getting into some voodoo magic stuff.

How do you add millions to the food stamp roll and at the same grow the middle class?

Oh, *wink wink* Broncobama, you wascally wabbit… by “growing the middle class”, you mean pulling some of those evil wealthy people… down into it… I see what you did there.  Well played, Comrade, well played.

OK, now he’s on to the “children”… and since I’m not drinker, I have nothing to get me through this…so, I’m gonna take a break and some pepto maybe and then I’ll come back for part 2.

Per usual, send all hate mail to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC

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From → Life, Politics, Religion

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